SHARING FOR INSIGHT. I’m sharing my experiences because a lot of people don’t understand or know what its like to go about daily activities when you are also managing symptoms of depression, anxiety and PTSD. It takes a lot of physical and emotional energy to keep these symptoms under control. When the environment you are in is stressful, its gets harder, when you are physically tired it gets even more difficult and if you add to that being immersed in a environment you have little control over it becomes a monumental task. So a lot of people don’t know that every time I put on my Mrs. USA Universal sash and put on my crown, that I’m about to start facing some of my most difficult challenges head on.
THE TIPPING POINT. Think of it this way, imagine you carry a red solo Dixie cup with you everywhere (you know the red plastic cups you “drink” out of) and every time you get stressed or something triggers a stressful response you get a drop, or maybe a few drops of liquid added to your cup. If you run into a really stressful or anxiety provoking situation you could get a big splash of liquid in the cup or a few ounces in your cup. It all depends upon the severity of the anxiety. Your cup is only so big, so you have to get rid of some that liquid or previous anxiety provoking events. So this means you need to mentally process it, or maybe go for a relaxing workout or just talk to someone or just clear it out of your mind, but it has to get dumped out of the cup. If the cup is not dumped it will get full. More and more will be added until the cup overflows. And now we have a break down.
Emptying and managing the cup is not difficult under normal, every day controlled situations. It becomes problematic when you are engaged inactivity’s that dumps large amounts of liquid into the cup and you don’t have the proper time or energy the dump the cup out so you are constantly working with a cup that is near full, or near overflowing. During the Mrs. Universe Competition My cup was almost always at a near over flowing state. There were so many little things that would fill it up and even after I empty it at night, it still filled almost to capacity each day. My cup overflowed during our last day of rehearsals and I stood in the corner of the room and cried while I looked for a piece of furniture to hide under.
That was my panic attack. I desperately needed to get out and hide. But since I couldn’t because the stairway to the door was blocked with screaming contestants I had to stay in the corner and focus really hard on calming myself down. I took deep breaths. I told myself I was ok and that no one even noticed me over here crying and that I can calm down. I’m safe. Everyone is safe. And I just breathed and talked myself down to a low key environment where I reminded myself of the control that I did have in the situation.
BLESSINGS IN STRUGGLES. I’m not a complainer. I’m extremely grateful and find the value and blessing in everything. That’s why I want to share my experiences from my point of view as things were felt to me. Many people don’t believe me when I tell them about my struggles. They can’t envision me in a mental hospital, they can’t really believe that I cut myself and bear the scars all over my left fore arm, they are floored when I tell them I was suicidal for years. Because of my personal struggles certain things are more difficult to me than they are to others. But, I wont let that stop me from accomplishing my goals.
Everyone’s experiences will be different because we are all different. I share my experiences and thoughts with the upmost respect to all the other contestants, the organizers and the owners of Mrs. Universe. I’m a leader and a role model. And as such I’m not going to pretend that something is ok, when everything in my gut feels that it is not.
SOLUTIONS AND CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. However, I don’t like to complain, I like to offer potential solutions and I don’t like to put people down, I like to offer constructive criticism. It’s about positive change and lifting each other up. In the end my opinions are just that. I never offer up my thoughts or opinions on anything “willy nilly” I always think things through, consider as many angles as possible and always try to stick to the facts. I always seek to give a well informed, thought out, respectful and genuine opinion. Even in doing this I realize I may hurt some feelings or anger some people. The idea of this frightens me and if I ever truly offend anyone just let me know and I will apologize even though it was never done intentionally.
FOCUS ON THE BIG PICTURE.Not every pageant is for everybody. There are numerous pageant systems and they are run differently and adhere to different values and rules. One thing that they all have in common (at least I hope they all do) is that they are an avenue for expression for young and adult women to face challenges and impact positive change in their lives and in the lives of others. The big picture is our individual platforms and causes and any joint platform such as One Voice Against Domestic Violence.
I always remain mindful of the true point of pageantry (at least what it is for me) and let all the other fun stuff be icing on the cake. It’s a sisterhood where we can all go to lift each other up and celebrate our victories and help other when we can. I’m here for causes and reasons that are bigger then me. I’m here to share my voice and the thoughts that God has given me towards specific causes. At Mrs. Universe I shared insight on how victims of domestic violence are 70% more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety and I informed everyone just how difficult it is to get help when you are suffering from those illnesses. Why? Because I’ve been there and done that several times. It sucks. Not everyone you call is helpful and patient and not all websites are clear and easy to navigate. Navigating a website, calling a phone number trying to get to the right person and then finding all the paperwork you need…its exhausting! And it has stopped me from getting help on more than one occasion. I really think the organizers heard and appreciated my view about my voice on the fight against domestic violence and I hope my presentation helps some of the other contestants as they continue their work in their respective countries. This was the purpose of my trip.
THE SUCCESS OF STRUGGLE. I was extremely moved by the stories of struggle, survival and success I heard from all the women. All the women at Mrs. Universe were visibly stunning with each one of them representing their country I could see all the different forms of beauty from around the world. During the forum I realized something. Many of these gorgeous women were beaten, raped and discarded like they were nothing. And standing before me was the stereotypical symbol of beauty, perfection and “easy street” as some might call it. No one would ever guess that women this beautiful and captivating led such difficult lives. People see a pretty picture on the outside and don’t know the pain that lies beneath the surface.
TRUE QUEENS.We live in a society where beauty can equal power and in turn means easy success and privilege. That is really not the case. EVERYONE has her story of struggle and triumph. As beauty queens we all have our story. We are triumphant in sharing our stories to help others. Our ability to share our stores and fight back in order to impact positive monumental change is what truly makes us queens.